Includes a new chapter and readers guide.

Includes a "Bonus Chapter: There's a Serious Lack of Prostitutes on This Tour", copyright 2013 by Jenny Lawson."

Introduction -- I was a three-year-old arsonist -- My childhood: David Copperfield meets Gun & Ammo magazine -- Stanley, the magical talking squirrel -- Don't tell your parents -- Jenkins, you motherfucker -- If you need an arm condom, it might be time to reevaluate some of your life choices -- Draw me a fucking dog -- And that's why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful mass murderer ever -- No one ever taught me couch etiquette -- Just your average engagement story -- It wasn't stew -- Married on the fourth of July -- There's no place like home -- A series of helpful post-it notes I left around the house for my husband this week -- The dark and disturbing secrets HR doesn't want you to know -- If you see my liver, you're gone too far -- My vagina is fine: thanks for asking -- Phone conversation I had with my husband after I got lost for the eighty thousandth time -- And then I got stabbed in the face by a serial killer -- Thanks for the zombies, Jesus -- Making friends with girls -- I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "great and terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains) -- The psychopath on the other side of the bathroom door -- An open letter to my husband, who is asleep in the next room -- Just to clarify: we don't sleep with goats -- Stabbed by chicken -- It wasn't even my crack -- Honestly, I don't even know where I got that machete: a comic tragedy in three parts [crossed out] days -- I'm going to need an old priest and a young priest -- And that's why you should learn to pick your battles -- Hairless rats: free for kids only -- And then I snuck a dead Cuban alligator on an airplane -- You can't go home again (unless you want to get mauled by wild dogs) -- Epilogue -- End (sort of) -- True facts -- Bonus chapter : There's a serious lack of prostitutes on this tour -- Readers guide.